Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
