I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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