He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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