no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
