pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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