I accidentally had phone sex last night
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
