I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
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