Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
