theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Houston, we have a squirter
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
