you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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