i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
