When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
