Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
