Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Randomize
