too bad you live with your parents still
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
