dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
