About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Naked Twister starts at high noon
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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