woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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