While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Pants are for mortals
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
