Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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