watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
