When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
