I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize