went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
