There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
