When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
