Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
