my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
