Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize