My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
