I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
