Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
