I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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