you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize
