I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
