he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
