the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
i need some magic done to my vagina
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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