Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
