well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Randomize
