Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
