Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
