You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
