All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
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