He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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