sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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