I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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