There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
