Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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