Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
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