i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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