there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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