I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Randomize
