Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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