8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Randomize
