I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
