can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
